John Hampton and Jody Stephens

By JJ Allen
Published Jul 19, 2007
via AssociatedContent.com

I know that all my girlfriends out there are waiting on Phil Spector to be acquitted so that they can shoot themselves at his home. What a perfect place to die, right? In case you don't know what I'm talking about, Phil Spector has been charged with murder after actress Lana Clarkson was found shot to death in his home. Spector's defense maintains that Clarkson shot herself because her career was not as vibrant as she had once hoped and she had passed the age of forty.

Why doesn't the DA believe Phil Spector? His story makes so much sense that it amazes me every day that anyone would charge him with murder. I mean, aging beauty is always suicidal and waiting on the famous Mr. Phil Spector. We all know she shot herself - and we know why. Since our main man, Phil Spector, is tied up with legal issues, I have a solution for all of you who are waiting to die at the home of a famous music producer. Follow my lead.

JJ's Plans for Death

I live in Memphis, so when I hit forty, I will shoot myself in the mouth in the foyer at John Hampton's home. He may not be Phil Spector, but he is a famous music producer and engineer who is hailed as a genius. Ardent Studios has had countless numbers of musicians record there.

REM, Cat Power, The White Stripes, John Hiatt... should I go on? Ladies, doesn't this make you want to suck on a gun as much as it makes me want to? I thought so. I can hear your moans of pleasure at the idea of dying in the home of such a man. We live to die at the home of a genius music producer, don't we?

John Hampton hasn't worked with the Righteous Brothers, but I think the White Stripes are good enough to make him worth blowing my head off at his home. Here you have it, Ladies: I, JJ Allen, am going to shoot myself at John Hampton's house in Memphis, Tennessee, if I haven't won the Orange Prize for literature by the time I am forty.

Girlfriends, I know Phil Spector is just what you are waiting for, but he might be wrongfully sent to prison, so we need a new Death plan. We don't have to have Phil Spector to commit suicide, do we? All women who are less than satisfied with their careers at the age of forty are telling me the same thing: free Phil Spector so we may end our suffering at his palace as well. Only men have a reason to live past forty. For this reason, ladies, I have brought to your attention Mr. John Hampton. It's time to think outside the box.

When planning your suicidal career ending mission, John Hampton is a superior choice to Phil Spector because he is less likely to be railroaded for murder. Why? The main reason that John Hampton is superior to Phil Spector is because John Hampton does not have a history of holding hostages at gunpoint. This little factor in his personal life can have a big impact.

You may be stuck in middle management, and you may have given up the dream of a corner office, but you should not forget that those around you will go on. Your suicide could look like a murder, so take your purse off of your shoulder and use your own gun.

John Hampton is also a far better choice for women who live on the east coast or in the middle states. Memphis is a central location to much of the US. Perhaps they won't convict Phil Spector, but he is probably going to be in high demand and difficult to engage. This is why I will die after having a drink with John Hampton when I turn forty. Don't put him on trial again for me. Coppers, count this as my suicide note more than a decade in advance.

I know, I know, all women want to die having drinks with a famous and aged record producer who invited them over to his mansion. Phil Spector is not the only option. John Hampton is even better looking than Phil Spector. I mean, why die with ugly when handsome is readily available?